I’ve decided to stop blogging on wordpress.
The editing function is honestly quite shitty and it makes writing and posting a picture so fucking complicated that I would very much rather go back to secondary school and study additional mathematics; I am pretty sure I would pass, but I would still not be able to figure out how to post a picture on wordpress without having a mental breakdown.
So, goodbye.
Today is one of the nights when I tumble down the dark, narrow abyss of self doubts.
What am I doing? Am I doing the right thing? Are other people going to get affected?
You know, stuff like that.
Sometimes I care too much, and sometimes I don’t.
I’ve put other people’s interests ahead of mine too many times, because that’s how we I have been conditioned from young; that what other people think is important, which is why when we make a decision, we have to factor in how they would feel, how they would react and what their opinions would be.
Fuck all those people.
More often than not, I remind myself that it’s okay to make decisions without consulting anyone. No one has to care, and more importantly, I don’t have to care.
But it’s so ingrained in me that I should care about others’ opinions, that when I do think about doing something major without consulting “the adults”, I am crippled by fear, guilt and self doubt. That I am bound to fail if I go against people’s advice or words of wisdom. I’ve been conditioned from a young age to think that way that I almost forget, that I too, am an adult, and making decisions for myself is my right.
There’s still a lot of unlearning for me to do, and to learn to let go, and start doing things that are right for me.
But you know what, fuck that shit. Today is one of those days where I am allowed to feel the way I am feeling, and this too will pass. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Adios.
So much has happened since the start of 2021 that I honestly didn’t have the energy nor courage to write about it. I’ve done a good job masking my feelings, but my reality truly and really sucks.
The year had just started when we received news that my paternal grandmother was in a critical condition; even then I had passed it off as one of those things where old people get really sick and then make a full recovery.
How wrong was I this time.
On the third day of the new year, she passed on.
I had a lot of mixed emotions and feelings about her passing as we were not quite close, but still, I felt a lingering sadness for the next few days. I wish I had known her better, and I wished to have heard her stories, and this was something that was never going to happen.
***
Life went on as usual, or so I thought.
Barely a month had passed when suddenly one morning, I received a phone call from the hospital saying that my second elder brother was in a critical condition. There was a sense of urgency in the doctor’s voice as he explained to me what had happened.
My mind went into a panic mode followed by total blankness; for a while, I just couldn’t think.
Upon reaching the hospital, I saw the condition that my brother was in and I knew that now was not the time to cry. My family members and I took on the responsibility of answering arduous phone calls from concerned relatives locally and across the border. And of course, no occasion like this was without some drama. -_-
My brother passed away that same day.
I would like to think that we had given him the best homecoming that he deserved, and that he received a peaceful send off like he would have liked.
It took me a few days to come to terms with his death, and finally, I broke down. I had been hiding the misery in my heart, and the time came when I could finally let it all out in the comfort of my bedroom.
In loving memory
Papa Ramasamy (01.01.1926 – 03.01.2021)
Saravanan R Shanmugam (18.05.1977 – 05.02.2021)
***
Work has also been a pain the ass. I did get the transfer that I wanted, but not necessarily the work environment that I needed. To be fair, I can’t complain much. But if something better comes my way, I might take it and move on.
I guess that’s all I have to say for now. Even for me to pen this down had taken a while; I had written an earlier, much detailed post about the whole affair but it got too draggy and too much for me to handle that I decided not to continue with it. This entry feels just right.
All that aside, not everything has been bad. I’d be lying if I said that all five months of 2021 have been bad.. There have been countless good days, and I am truly thankful for my friends and some family members who have gone out of their way to check up on me to make sure that I am alright and coping well. The whole affair made me realize how much I have taken things for granted, and now I truly count my blessings and appreciate my friends and well meaning relatives much more.
Adios for now!
Today is one of those days when I felt like good days are just not here yet.
Honestly, there’s a lot going on in my mind, but I have very little words to express how I feel.
This year has been many ups and downs, twists and turns and a myriad of roller coaster rides, and sometimes I wonder when it will all stop.
Don’t worry, I am not talking about ending my life. LOL.
It’s just that all these family drama seems never-ending. Home feels like a trap, a prison, and I only want to get away from it as soon as I can.
The very house where I once crawled, took my first steps, spoke my first words, and laughed my heart out; the very house where I hid under blankets and pillows to be safe from the sound of thunder; the very house which now holds me hostage.
Every ten steps I take, I slid back down eight, and my life feels like it is not going anywhere. It’s just come to a standstill.
As much as I care about the old lady, she drains my energy. It’s tiring to explain things to people who choose to only listen to 10% of what you say and ignore the bigger, more important message in the other 90%. This pretty much sums up my relationship with my mother; the reason why we don’t talk much, why I don’t talk much.
I don’t want to live like this forever. I hope to get out soon, to break away from it all. For better or for worst.
Everything in this house is broken, including me.
Adios.
I know it’s weird but I like hospitals. The clean, sterile environment, the white walls, spacious wards and the cafe at the lobby…
..I love all of them.
Unfortunately, I didn’t enjoy the hospital visits as much when the old lady had to be warded for low blood pressure this week. I felt like I was running all over the place from the time she got taken to the A&E (she had been out when she had started feeling dizzy and someone had called an ambulance) and long story short, by the time it was Tuesday, it felt like the end of a hectic work week.
People have been checking up on the old lady through me, but it’s too exhausting and has taken a toll on me. I’ve been avoiding phone calls, I’ve stopped replying to messages and all I wanna do is lie in bed and never leave the room.
Nothing prepared me for this phase of my 30s; that hospital visits can be tiring. The past few days have left me feeling fatigued, and while I am relieved that the old lady is fine, I wish none of this had happened… that it was a regular week for me, just staying home to enjoy my school holidays.
Tomorrow’s my turn to visit (my brother and I have been taking turns) and hopefully I don’t find it as tiring. There’s the starbucks at the lobby where I can get a coffee as a reward. 🙂
Adios.
I’ve been meaning to write for a while but all I have been doing is sleeping, eating, catching up with friends, and lazing around since the school holidays started.
I’ve also managed to go for my workouts regularly, even though everybody knows I hate it. But, my expanding waistline needs it. I need it too.
The holidays have truly been wonderful even though I haven’t done anything productive; but honestly, who cares? The entire year has been crazy and hectic rolled into one, and we can all afford to be a little unproductive and just breathe.
Here’s an unrelated picture of my lunch before I went for a sailing event.
All of that aside, I really ought to catch up on my reading, something I haven’t had time for during the school term. I’ve stopped buying books because the sight of unread books in my bookshelf was kinda starting to make me feel guilty and stressed out, so now, I have no excuse for not finishing up my existing books.
My transfer request to another school has also, miraculously, been approved, and I can’t wait to start work in a new environment next year. The previous school was alright; it was actually great. I made some good friends, loved my students and had a lot of fun, but the commute there and back was really draining. While I love my job, most of our days are tiring as hell, and a lot of times, I wished that I lived closer to work so that I could just go home quickly and crash. Now I don’t have to worry as much since the new school is a lot nearer to home.
Gorgeous picture taken in the middle of the CBD on a beautiful sunny day.
I am hoping for better weather as I have been wanting to visit a couple of places; the rainy weather has been putting some of these plans on hold, but at the same time, I am thankful for the cool weather.
Little India decorated and ready for Deepavali this year.
Christmas is just weeks away and my oven decided to take its final breath after 30+ years. I was thinking of experimenting with a few bakes but looks like that’s another thing I have to put on hold till I get another oven.
Overall, it has been a good start to the school holidays, and I am glad that I have been able to sleep and wake up leisurely without the alarm interrupting my sleep, and that is just a wonderful thing. 🙂
Adios!
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my late maternal grandmother. She passed away in 2004 and her 16th death anniversary just passed a couple of days ago.
It’s only in the past few years, when I share with people about my family, that I realized how much of a badass my late grandma had been.
She lived a pretty normal, quiet life raising eight children in rural Pahang. In her later years, she moved around quite a bit to live with some of her children and grandchildren. She even spent a few years in Singapore with us in the 90s, and eventually moved to Kuantan and spent the last few years of her life with my eldest aunt.
Despite our little tiffs and arguments here and there, she had been a pillar of support for me during the times I had needed it; always encouraging and willing to lend a listening ear.
It’s only in the last few years that I had been hearing the real life story of my grandmother.
I had known that she lived through the Japanese occupation of Malaya, and she was in the Jhansi Rani Regiment (Indian Army Unit for women) as a soldier, but that was not all.
She had been orphaned at a young age and was raised by an abusive aunt who saw her as a liability and didn’t really care about her.
When my grandmother was alive, she had told me that she ran away from home to join the Indian Army because she was treated badly. I asked her why she was treated badly, but she wouldn’t go into details.
About five years ago, I heard from my mother that the aunt that raised my grandmother had actually sold her off to a drunkard for a mere $10; granted, it was a lot of money in those days, but still!
My grandmother had cried and pleaded with her aunt not to send her away but her aunt showed her no mercy and packed her off to live with her new owner.
My grandmother had no choice but to go with the drunkard, but after a few days, made up her mind that this shit was not going to be her life.
In the middle of the war, she left.
She made her way from Rawang to Singapore (this is the part of her story that I remember), sometimes by foot and sometimes by hitching rides, and eventually joined the Jhansi Rani Regiment.
It was here that she had met my grandfather, but she also admitted that he wasn’t the only man she had ‘dated’, there were other men, but my grandfather had proven to be a worthy man, hence she decided to marry him after the war was over.
She had gone back to Malaysia by then, and my grandfather followed her and they settled in Pahang.
My grandmother’s abusive aunt had died during the Japanese occupation, presumably from some illness (people back then didn’t live very long anyway) but her young children were still around; my grandmother took all of them under her care, no questions asked, and raised them as her own.
I find all of these very fascinating… Even in the 1940s, when people were presumably conservative, my grandmother had been extraordinarily ahead of her times: she had the courage to leave her circumstances and took control of her life and lived on her own terms.
I also heard that she had been a very stylish woman in her youth; while other Indian women wore their traditional sarees and thavanis, my grandmother had opted for short skirts, sleeveless blouses and shirts, and sported a cropped hairstyle.
All of these isn’t a big deal now, but back in the 40s, I can imagine how many tongues my grandmother must have set off wagging.
It’s a pity that I don’t have photos of my grandmother from her younger days, but I hope to collect more stories of her and set up a blog in her memory in the near future.
Adios.
Today’s weather was scorching but it didn’t stop me from going out anyway. 😉
Taken somewhere along Katong, en route to East Coast Park. Missed a stop, so had to walk back to the junction near Roxy Square (or is it 112 Katong? I can’t recall.)
Didn’t need filters or edits.
The sun was hiding behind the huge mushroom cloud, which made for a spectacular sight!
Managed to capture some of the sunset hues of blues, pinks and peaches.
It’s been a long day going from place to place, but I needed this; the random walks, the change of plans, the spontaneity, and all of it without any fuss.
I just needed to follow my heart today, and I did. Mind’s clear, I am tired, sleepy, and ready to hit the sack. It makes it better that there’s no work this week, and honestly, that’s all I need…
…a mental break.
Adios.
As expected, PAP won the 2020 elections, so life goes on.
There’s not much happening now that we are all back to work and covid seems to be somewhat under control (although community cases seem to be rising) so we can all breathe easy for the time being.
Work’s the same old; the school’s leaders and our supervisors are piling on the work with no regard whatsoever of the workload we already have, and we have no choice but to deal with it.
Thankfully, it’s already the second half of the year, so I think we can survive till the end of the school year in November.
My friends and I have pretty much accepted that we can’t travel anywhere this year, so all we do is to meet, eat and talk about travel plans that didn’t materialize this year while reminiscing about our previous holidays.
Here are some foodie adventures I’ve had along the way:
Beef noodles from Crystal Jade
Amazing lamb wellington I had for lunch last weekend at 10 Scotts, located at Hyatt. The lamb was unbelievably tender and the sauteed vegetables were a good complement to the meat.
Very fresh oysters with lemon, also at 10 Scotts
Had a round of beer at Don Don Donki at JEM
I am really looking forward to the upcoming one week break, and hopefully the school doesn’t decide to load us up with more work. My colleague M, unfortunately, will not be coming back after the hols as she will be headed off for teacher’s training, and we will have to make do with new teachers in the class.
Adios.
It’s a bad day, not a bad life.
I needed this reminder today.
This too shall pass, fortunately.
*multiple deep breaths*
Yours truly, Nathan. 